Thoughts from the Middle

My Journey from Catholic to a Spiritual Being

By

Robert James Fischer

After publishing my last “Thoughts from the Middle” which contained a critique of Christianity, I received a few comments asking me what I believed.  The following is the story of my journey from devoted Catholic to the person that I am now.

I was baptized in a Catholic Church in Prairie du Chen, Wisconsin.  Of course I had no idea what any of this meant as a baby. I have little recollection of going to church, but I’m sure that my parents attended regularly.

It wasn’t until I was seven that my parents decided that it was time for my brother and I to begin learning Catechism in preparation for our first Communion.  At St. Anthony’s in Davenport, Iowa, we learned about the Holy Trinity (God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Ghost).  I could understand Jesus since he was an actual person, but God was a mystery. However, one time the priest showed us a picture of God– a collage made up of many persons.  That image has always stayed with me as a representation of my view of God. Finally, there was the Holy Ghost.  I couldn’t begin to understand this concept.  Neither could my brother.  He also couldn’t understand the idea that heaven was in the sky and hell was under the earth.  I really didn’t think much about it.  It was magical, much like the wonderful Bible stories that we would learn.

We learned the birth story, the stories of Jesus and his ministry, his crucifixion by the Jews, and his resurrection and ascension into heaven.  We were told of the miraculous intersession of Mother Mary. We learned of Jonah and the whale as well as other stories of intrigue.  At age ten we were asked to confirm our faith through the Confirmation process. 

By now I was paying attention.  Our family moved and we began attending St. Mary’s in Wilton Junction, Iowa.  We had weekly Confession on Friday, and Sunday mass followed by Sunday school.  During the summers I attended summer Bible camp, taught by the nuns from the Quad Cities.  I decided to study to become an altar boy and even considered my possible future as a priest.  By the time I was in eighth grade I had a plan– that is, until I met a girl.  Being a good Catholic boy, I decided that it would be best to seek council from my priest.  I was about to begin dating and wanted to make sure that kissing my soon to be girlfriend was not a sin.  Father gave me the following advice.  “Kissing is not a sin as long as you think of your mother when you do it.”  Needless to say, I couldn’t follow this advice, and I soon decided that being an altar boy, and ultimately a priest, was not for me. 

I continued to attend church and Sunday school.  But by the time I was a senior in high school, I was becoming more cynical about the Catholic Church.  The mystery and pageantry of the Latin service, and the beliefs that I was taught, were being questioned.  I remember thinking that the Shroud of Turin was definite proof of Jesus.  Still, researchers questioned its authenticity.  At the beginning of my senior year, a new girl arrived at my high school.  I quickly became friends with her as she also attended St. Mary’s.  We dated throughout the school year and during that time; I came to learn that her stepmother often abused her verbally and physically.  I couldn’t believe that a good Catholic woman would resort to such things.  I also found that as a Catholic, I was not welcome at a friend’s Lutheran wedding.  How could God allow such discrimination among Christians?

After graduation, I attended college at Western Illinois University.  As a good Catholic man, I found St. Paul’s.  I did attend a couple of masses during the first few weeks of the semester, but soon found that it was easier to sleep in on Sunday.  Through my studies in history and geology, I also found that much of what I had believed as a Catholic was challenged by the historical records and geology.  The Book of Genesis was a problem, since geological studies found that the earth was much older than the Bible implied.  The Earth could not have been created in seven days. Other Old Testament stories also failed to fit my logical thinking.  Still, I did come to believe that the Old Testament also told a story of places and people that actually existed.  The New Testament was another issue.  While the historical record indicated that there was likely a person named Jesus, it did not suggest that he actually performed miracles or physically rose from the dead.

I tried to reconcile my religious beliefs with the historical and geological records.  I rationalized that seven days was actually millennia, and that the Jesus of my faith had to be taken on faith since the historical record did not support the New Testament narratives.  But my faith was fading.  During my senior year, I met my first wife.  She attended the United Church of Christ where her parents were active.  We were married in their church.  However, neither of us attended church during our marriage.  During this thirteen year period, I really did not think about religion.

In 1978 I met a colleague who was an ex-Catholic priest.  He had left his calling to marry.  Over the next few years we had a number of good conversations about religion.  Perhaps the most important take away was his statement that during seminary, priests learn about the meaning of the New Testament stories– that most are parables, not to be taken literally.  The other lesson was his belief that most ministers and priests do not preach that these stories are just parables.  Many parishioners believe in the literal nature of the Bible stories, and it would not be good for the church to alienate those with such strong faith beliefs.  Thus, my faith continued to change.

After thirteen years my wife divorced me.  I was very lucky that I soon met the love of my life.  She grew up attending services in the United Church of Christ.  I learned that she had had a crisis of faith and turned to the Unitarian church for a short time.  When we met she was attending the Methodist Church.  However, since her uncle was a minister of the United Church of Christ, we were married in that church.  After we were married I began to attend the Methodist church with my wife.  I became involved with church committee work and as an occasional security consultant. 

At that time, I really didn’t think much about theology.  I did continue with my community volunteer work as well as my work with the church.  However, when my oldest daughter was to be confirmed, I received a wakeup call.  On the day of her Confirmation, she asked to talk with me.  She told me that she wasn’t sure that she could confirm her total faith as taught by our church.  I was somewhat surprised.  However, knowing that she had been exposed to alternative views, such as Buddhism, by her biological father, I shouldn’t have been surprised.  After carefully thinking through what she had said, I told her that she should follow her heart.  I also told her that accepting the Methodist point of view through Confirmation was not a lifelong commitment.  She was confirmed. 

Once again, her question had made me think about my own commitment to my Confirmation in the Catholic faith.  I again started to ask important questions about the theology that I was taught.  This started me on a quest to find answers.  I began reading such books as The Bible as History, James, The Gospel of Mary,  etc.  I discovered authors such as Bishop John Shelby Spong, Father John Dominic Crossan, Marcus Borg, and Stephen Patterson.  Soon after, I found myself drawn to a new Bible study, “The Historical Jesus,” organized by our Associate Pastor.  The group was eclectic, filled with persons also seeking answers to the same questions that I had.  Two members of the class were actually Roman history professors.  Their contributions added a dimension that cannot be overlooked.  With my history background, I was determined to find out more about the historical Jesus.

While I had been reading some books on various aspects of Jesus and his life, I had not taken time to understand the Christian movement following his death.  So I began reading all the works that I could find on the early Christian movement.  One particularly good book by White, The History of Christianity, provided a picture of competition among the various followers of Jesus. There are scholars who believe that James, the brother of Jesus, provided the most accurate view of Jesus’ teachings.  He preached his brother’s message of service to others within the Jewish community.  However, he was faced with competing messages preached by Paul and Peter.  Paul was dominating in the Greek regions, while Peter became the leader in Rome.  Eventually Peter’s message became dominant when Emperor Constantine accepted Christianity as a favored religion for the Roman Empire.

While I had learned about the Council of Nicaea, I had failed to register the date in my mind.  Over 300 years after Jesus died, the Bishops of the Catholic Church were still arguing over what was true doctrine.  Some Bishops died during the years leading up to the establishment of the New Testament.  Great writings were excluded from the teaching of Jesus.  Why? Men were the deciders of what would be included in the New Testament, not God.  Of course, you could argue that these Bishops were divinely inspired.  However, I didn’t accept that. 

In addition, a number of other religions inspired by Jesus were marginalized, and their followers persecuted, over the years leading up to and after the Council of Nicaea.  Some of these religions still exist.  They still believe in Jesus.  In fact, I learned that the Muslim faith believes that Jesus was a great profit.  But Christian faiths cannot accept the view that Jesus was simply a man, not the son of God.

Some of my other readings included Einstein, who wrote about the “God particle.” He believed that there is something shared by all things composed of energy.  This unexplained force is present within our molecular structure.  Leon Lederman also wrote about this concept in his book, The God Particle.  Others like Mathew Fox discussed the concept of many paths in humankind’s journey to discover God.  He explained that perhaps “God” exists in some fashion, but different religions follow different paths to get to God.  Today, I believe there is something that binds all living things together; call it God if you want.  I believe that all that we learn during our lives continues on as the energy that is described by Einstein as the “God particle.”  I believe that there is a connection between our mortal lives and the spiritual existence of those who have gone before us. 

I do not believe in salvation theology– that Jesus died to save us.  I also cannot accept that he physically rose from the dead and ascended into Heaven.  I do believe that if we live a good life, we will have our reward in the commonality of existence following our deaths.  I believe that hell is what we make for ourselves when we know that something is wrong. 

In conclusion, I believe that each person has the right to find comfort and peace in their individual beliefs.  Faith is powerful.  While I no longer believe what I learned as a Catholic, others find solace in these teachings. However, I believe that if Christianity is to remain viable, it needs to focus on the example that Jesus set for living a good life.  But other aspects of the New Testament should be treated as stories, NOT reality. American church membership dropped below 50% in 2020, down from 70% in the 1990s.  This trend will continue until churches change!